I Love My Daughter’s Creativity, but Her Mess Is Driving Me Crazy

How can a minimalist mom and a crafty kid get along?


JUNE 01, 20206:00 AM

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Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have four children, with another on the way. My oldest, who is 9, is very creative and bright, but is perhaps prone to hoarding a bit. She draws and cuts out creative pictures. She keeps magazines she wants to read, and interesting bits of recycling she will use for art later. When she was younger, I would just throw away most stuff. (She didn’t remember or care.) Now that she is older, I want to respect her desire to create and keep her own stuff, but I am also finding myself driven crazy by the mess!

I am personally more of a minimalist, so my immediate answer is a trash bag for everything. But I’ve settled on allowing her certain spaces (a desk for papers, a trunk for her rock collection/other personal items), and insisting that as long as she keeps things organized, she gets to keep them. But she is easily overwhelmed by mess, so I find myself frequently having to help her with cleaning/organizing to keep it from getting out of control. And I, personally, just find the sheer amount of STUFF she has overwhelming. I guess I’m writing for an outside perspective on how to balance my minimalism with the desire to respect her autonomy (and not scar her for the future and make her want to hoard even more). Help!

—Drowning in Stuff

Dear DiS,

I am not concerned that a kid with a lot of art projects and materials is going to wind up living under toppling mounds of garbage as an adult. I think that you’re likely, as you have observed, someone who would be driven wild by what doesn’t bother her at all.

When it comes to kids and the state of their own bedrooms, I generally recommend people pick their battles. Food trash? Actual garbage? Dishes? Those things are the battles. Those are the things you don’t have to tolerate. If they are fine with general clutter (and I’m not talking about the amount of loose paper that would represent an actual fire hazard), I think your best bet is to acquire or repurpose some more big boxes and tubs and just ask that, at the end of the day, things are in them. They don’t have to be organized, just off the floor.
If you take “organized” off the table and settle for “dumped into a box,” you’ll have an easier time setting her up for success, and you up for expectation management.

It’ll be good for both of you, I suspect.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My stepdaughter is 6 (and with us half the time) and just wrapping up kindergarten via remote learning. My husband and I are both working from home full time while our offices are closed, and she can not or will not accept this new status quo—at least when it comes to me. She’s capable of playing by herself quietly in the same room as her dad, but the second I’m visible, she gives up her solitary play and wants my attention. I redirect, explain that I have to work and cannot play, cannot talk, cannot listen, need to focus, that she needs to learn to play by herself, all to absolutely no avail. I’ve put up red stop signs and green go signs. I’ve tried ignoring her. I’ve tried giving her clear schedules for when I am available. I’ve tried all of these at once.

My husband tries to correct her or answer her questions himself. None of it works. I give up and retreat to the bedroom, where there’s only room to work from the bed, which is wreaking havoc on my back and my sleep quality. What can I do?

—Swamped by My Sweet Stepkid

Dear SbMSS,

Go back to the red and green signs, but when the sign is read, the door is locked. You don’t have to change your doorknob, just buy a door jammer.

Be sweet and loving and attentive during your “go” times, and make it clear to your husband that he will have to back you up by removing her if she opts to pound at the door.

It will take a week or so, but if you hold firm, it will end.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

My best friend of 20 years has a son who is graduating from high school this month. He is planning to go to the same university that my son is a sophomore at in the fall (the school has confirmed that they will be open). My friend’s son has what I would call severe autism. He can still talk, and he’s smart, but frequently (four to five times a week) has these wild, uncontrollable, raging “meltdowns.” He cries, screams, and kicks, even if they’re out in public. And this is an 18-year-old.

My friend never got him help for his autistic behaviors when he was young, thinking he’d grow out of it, and now she has a monster on her hands. He was finally sent to an alternative school after he knocked a kid’s tooth out with his foot during a crying meltdown, and harassed a girl he liked via text message to the point that the parents took their daughter and moved out of state. The problem is that my friend wants my son to include her son in his group of friends and activities at university. My son, who grew up with my friend’s son, does not like him, mainly due to having been continually embarrassed by his behavior in public. The last time we all had an outing together, my friend’s son picked up several plates and threw them at the waitstaff because they didn’t have plain chicken nuggets. Some of my son’s classmates were at the same restaurant and he was teased about it.

I realize that telling her that my son doesn’t want to include her son will probably end the friendship, but is there any way I can make this better?

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